27 March 2008

The Emotional Rollercoster That Is Me... Today!

I feel... blah... I don't know what I feel. I'm sad... i think, I have nothing to look foward too, I'm broke (and not getting any more money in until next friday) and I'm tired... and have to have an injection tomorrow (freaking out) and my sister gets to go to bali and I'm not, and I don't want to work at a video shop anymore, and I don't know if I want to work in the IT industry, but I don't know what I want to do.

I feel old (I'm only 21) I've never been in a serious relationship, I feel fat (cos I am) and just overall depressed. I don't have very many friends, and I'm not very social, so I'm not really making any new one... considering I don't even go out with the friends I already have.

I feel like I don't belong. I want to rebel, but I'm 21... I think I've left it a bit late. I'm not rebelling against anything... I just want to be different, but on the other hand I'm afraid of what people think.

I'm always more worried about the other persons feelings before my own. Like tonight, the boss accidently rostered on 2 seniors (me and another women) and I said that I would stay, even though I have cramps, feel like shit and am freaking out about my needle tomorrow... I got myself so knotted up about asking if she would stay and I could go home, that I made myself puke. So she sent me home.

I do realise what all this emotion is caused by... HORMONES... haha... it happens all the time... or hormones are just an excuse women made up to get away with being moody. I don't like feeling moody... my moods are always the extremes. I'm either so happy and boncy that it seems like I'm on drugs or drunk, or so sad and depressed, or frustrated... that I seriously think that I have a underlying mental problem. but it all washes away after a few days, and then a month later... it's back.

I don't know... maybe I do have an underlying mental problem... maybe I am manically depressed... I don't know... maybe i'm bipolar... but maybe its just hormones.

See I feel slightly better now. The anxiety is gone (well most of it).

I have this huge list of things I want to do... I want to cut and dye my hair some outrageous colour, I want to get my lip pierced and get a heartagram tattoo on my wrist. I want to lose heaps of weight so that I can wear all the awesome clothes I've always wanted to.

I want to relive highschool with the knowledge that I have now... That I don't have to worry about what people think... I can have my own opinions and music taste (instead of liking what my friends like) I would love to go back to school and be the goth I always wanted to be, but never had the guts to do.

I want to tell all the people that were mean to me... ONE in particular... that she's a awful bitch, and that no matter what she says or does to me, does not make her a better person... OMG this girl while I was at highschool... OMFG.... BITCH!

She wasn't one of the "other" girls... she was one of my friends... at least I thought she was... OMG... she was the "queen bee" of our group... I think. I think I would be the first one to say it... but now when I look back and think about it, it was bloody fucking obvious. She would get me to help organise "surprise" parties for one of the other girls... than a couple of days before the party.... after all the hard work organisation... she would say that it was cancelled for some reason... but then... OMG this is the good part... I would later find out that the party went ahead... and everyone went... except me... it makes me so angry to think about it. You should of seen me when I found out... I had a nervous breakdown... it was the breaker (after heaps of other things that were done) OMG I can't talk about it... let just say... I know whose not coming to any of my significant events. HAHAHA tough shit t.

anyway... this was one pretty long and slightly deep blog. HAHAHA hope it doesn't scare anyone... I'm usually such a lovely person too. =D