21 March 2010

Who Knows?

I think I should post something personal here. I've been looking back and most of the posts have been slightly plain and normal. Just me talking about music and movies. So I'm going to post something, it's going to be a little hard, knowing that people I work with and family members read this, but hey... so what.

I don't know if anyone knows, but 70% of the time I'm unhappy. Most people don't see it. I'm very good at hiding it away. It's lack of confidence and low self-esteem. But people that know me wouldn't think so. I'm mostly happy at work, I smile and say hello to strangers if we make eye-contact, and the fact that I don't shy away from eye-contact is a big cover-up too. But get me in a night club or pub, or try and take me to a party and I'm stuffed. I'd rather be at home watching Criminal Minds and eating chocolate than trying to talk to people. And sometime mum gives me a hard time. Not meanly, but you know "you should go out more often and meet bots" hard-time. Honestly. I have no interest. But then again I do. But don't, but do. It's a vicious circle. I also think I'm picky. I'm afraid that I will fine someone prefect and then 3 weeks, 10 months, 25 years later I will realise he's just not the one. And that scares the shit out of me. I see so many people "uglier" than me with partners, fine the blokes they're with are not the best looking guys in the world, or are complete and utter trash, but at least they have someone. I don't. But the big problem is, I think I do have someone. But I'm too freaked out to even think about it. He's so nice, we have some things in common, but I just don't know. We have kinda stopped talking, we didn't fight, we just stopped talking. But our conversations are stale. There is nothing to talk about. I have nothing interesting to say. And scariest thought of all. I don't know how he feels about me. And all that.... with never meeting him. Am I stupid? The thoughts of actually meeting him scare me too.

I think I'm crazy.

Also. I'm feeling stuck. This happens about every year or 2. What am I suppose to do in my life? Or should I just stick to staying in my home town and working at the video shop my whole life? Who knows. I guess I'm the only one that can answer those questions.