14 March 2011

this town is so fucking small and narrow minded. no wonder there is no one interesting in this fucking town, as soon as they're old enough they leave. they go somewhere where they're not forced to become grey fucking conforming robots. TARGET POLICY! so that girl with blue hair working at Target in Melbourne has a natural hair colour?? I was just trying to be someone other than me. trying to make this slow depressing little hole that I call my life a little bit more comfortable, a little bit less like I wanted to jump from the fucking gap. I'm sick of hiding my feelings from the people in my offline life, they all think I'm a happy person, but I'm not. I don't think I can hide it anymore. I don't think I can pretend anymore. But then I think it would be easier on the people I love if I didn't bother them with my feelings, they're going through their own shit at the moment, so maybe it would be easier for me just to step back into line and conform. Just put some sticky tape over the cracks in my mask and just keep "being happy" the needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few.

but then i feel selfish for being so emo. tonight there are millions of people without homes, thousands who have lost family members (some more than one.... some whole families) people whose whole life was washed away by something that we can't control, and there are people being murdered, being raped and tortured, children being taken from their families and sold into the sex trade, or into child work houses. I'm so lucky, how can I complain about how unhappy I am? HOW THE FUCK CAN I SAY THAT MY LIFE SUCKS??? I'm so selfish, we all are. It could happen to us too, one minute we have everything, the next... it's all gone. we take it all for granted. ALL THIS SHIT I HAVE TO PACK INTO BOXES TO MOVE, boxes and boxes of books and dvds, technology I DIDN'T need but bought anyway, because it was cool. ALL WORTHLESS. I would give it all away for my families guaranteed safety. I would give my life for their safety, without even blinking.

BREATHE

Maybe I was silly to think it would be okay. Difference scares people. Especially with 60% of the staff members are over 35, and 98% of them work when I work.

In other news, my Uncles' partners' twin sister is "coming back" to work at Target. Bit strange. I'll walk up to her and be like "we're related... kinda, through marriage... but not really, because they're not married" LOL. That makes me happy. I'm very moody. I feel strangely elated at the moment, even after that rant... and the one earlier this evening. Okay I'm seriously weirded out now. STUPID FUCKING HORMONES!