02 April 2013

where the magic happens!

It's Tuesday.
The last day of my 3 day weekend.
What have I achieved?
Absolutely nothing.

Well I have managed to watch all of "Pillars of the Earth"
which was excellent.
and I have sort of tidied my room.

I did vlog again!
I weighed myself on camera.
I keep getting told that I'm brave.
I'm not brave.
It's a number... a number that can be changed.
It may involve a lot of hard work to change it.
But I will change it.

I've been playing video games.
Don't Strave.
The Cave.
Terraria.
Simcity.
Just general time wasting.

I haven't done any of the homework I was suppose to do.
Which sucks.
I procrastinate so fucking much.
Then I make up excuses for why I haven't done it.
Instead of just saying.
I was too lazy, or more to the point, "just not in the mood"

People say anti-depressants fuck with your motivation.
I'm not motivated when I'm not on anti-depressants.
imagine me if I was.
I would probably just crawl up into a ball and melt away.

My doctor keeps trying to get me to go on anti-depressants.
But I don't want to.
She knows that, and respects my decision, so we have been brainstorming ways to help

Like baking. Baking makes me happy. 
e problem is, now I find it hard to bake when there are people in the house.
I'm worried that they will judge me. (because SHE always does)
Plus when you're trying to lose weight and cut down on sugar
baking cupcakes is probably not a good idea.

I'm becoming anxious.
I've never felt anxious much before.
My depression was just being sad.
But now I seem to have developed anxiety.
I haven't told anyone yet.
It's the stupidest thing.
Being anxious about little things that mean nothing.
Like driving, being too scared to drive somewhere
because you're afraid you'll crash.
Or that people in your class will find out you're not as super confident
and talkative as you are in class.
And being alone forever, or even worse,
actually being in a relationship!
I think that's scarier to me now, than being alone.
Which is weird.
But I know I need to get out of my comfort zone.
 Do crazy things.
Like vlog in public.
be in public in general.
get a tattoo.
go out and meet wonderful people.
do my homework so I can get my certificate and get a job in Perth and move to where all the awesome people are.
stand up for myself.
not worry about what people think of me.
be confident even at 143kg.

Wow! I do ramble on...
instead of doing homework.

bye-ee :)