23 October 2016

I'm F**king terrified!

I want... I don't know what I want! I turn 30 in 4 weeks, and my life hasn't gone the way I thought it would of gone when I was a child... no marriage, no children, not much travel. I spent an awful amount of time feeling sorry for myself (I still do). I'm socially awkward (even thinking about going out and meeting people makes me feel anxious), and I would just rather stay at home where I feel SAFE! "Safe", is not always a good thing. How do you discover things about yourself, others, and the world if you stay in your safe cocoon? How do you truly make friends, create relationships, have fun, in a cocoon! Maybe I'm a type of caterpillar that takes years to turn into a butterfly!

Over the last couple of years a lot of things have happened that have had positive effects on my life, including extreme weight loss, finding a job (and career) I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, and starting to accept the body and life that the universe has bestow on me. I was able to cross some things of my bucket list (bungy jumping anyone?!) and make some friends, but none of those friendships ever moved any further than the occasional comment on Facebook, and that generic birthday message when Facebook tells you. I want more friends, people to go out with, people to act silly with, people to make mistakes with... but then again my anxious brain say "no you don't, it's too hard, what about your cocoon!? you'll have to actually talk to people, they may judge you... blah blah blah!" --- 

my 30th birthday is coming up, and my sisters are planning me a party. They asked about a guest list... 75% of the list is family, then work colleagues who don't really know "the real me", and then some old school friends I am attempting to connect with again! I'm F**king terrified! Terrified about being the centre of attention, terrified that everyone will show up, terrified that nobody will show up!! And if my work colleagues show up, will they judge the way I am with my family? Will I put on my "public mask" and not have as much fun as I usually do!?

I'm sorry about this ramble, there wasn't really a goal to this post. I think what I'm going through is very common with people my age. It's so easy to meet and make friends with wonderful people on the internet, but it's a lot harder for people to make friends IRL. I know in my heart that it will get better, but I also know it's not going to happen overnight, or if I just sit at home and twiddle my thumbs. It's about accepting yourself, you flaws, your quirks, your uniqueness, and getting out of your comfort zone!

If you have any tips and tricks let me know, but this really is something that has to be done by me, and probably like a band-aid... just jump in, and try not to drown!

Molly xoxo

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